The Great Harry Potter Parody Revised
by Alisama2
Summary: What's in a parody? It's poking fun at everyone's favorite boy wizard, of course! Expect all your favorite characters, sprinkle in some sarcasm, add a dash of Cuaron-bashing, and you've got yourself a parody fic. Enjoy!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note

Howdy, all. I do not own the characters of this story; in fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Press, Raincoast Books, and Scholastic, Inc (the punks who returned a manuscript that I sent for a children's book when I was eight years old—oh, I got your number. What? I had to come up with _magic_ in order to get published? !& you!). Please note that I'm just a fan, trying to have a good time.

There, I said it.

Anyway, I'm Alisama, and I'll be your storyteller for today. Being a **HUGE** Harry Potter fan who happens to be 39% obsessed, ahem, I was trying to figure out a good way that I could write a humorous story about everyone's favorite boy/kinda hot movie wizard, while constructing other stories. And this is what I came up with. Please review at the end, and note that flames, praises, constructive criticism, and marriage proposals are all welcome. 

This parody is a _revised_ revised version of the one I posted in October. I posted four chapters, then got on with my life. I am a Cancemini, so that means I am sensitive, intellectual, caring, and I have the attention span of a fly. But I am working on that.

Now, I am working with a bit of competition with this parody; there are so many (like, three) good ones out there right now. I would give shout-outs, but I'd prefer if you read my story first, thank you very much. Please don't dismiss my efforts to be completely trite, like so many others. As the storyteller, I shall lay down some ground rules:

· No annoying-ass typographical mistakes: for example, _Weasly_, _Hermoine_ or _Hermonie_; no calling Hermione "'Mione" (who else besides me hates that?), and no abbreviations.

· As a parody fic, I will have to step on some toes and there may be odd pairings going on. Who knows, right? Severus Snape is _at least_ twice the students' ages, but it could make for some good comedy. Hey, I'm just saying…

· No damn Draco/Hermione or Ginny ships. None. Although these twelve year-olds like Tom Felton, I will not let his portrayal of Draco Malfoy fool me into thinking he's "not so bad". Screw him. Even in parody, he'll still be evil. I do not discriminate when it comes to "hateration", do you understand? I do not care that he is no longer wearing gel—he is not liked over here. Why the hell would Hermione go for someone who, a) calls her "mudblood", b) is so damn smug and annoying, c) clearly dyes his hair, d) hates her two best friends, and e) is just plain evil? I mean, really, don't let him fool you into thinking he's hot. He's really not.

· No cringe-worthy sexual _crap_ (you all know what I mean, excessive use of the words "hott" and "sexy"; Hermione all of a sudden going from a prude to a girl who wears lip gloss and spaghetti-strap tank tops; all of the characters changing dramatically after one summer, et cetera.) **_unless_** it's done right. If it isn't, then you know how to let me know.

· And last, but not least, none of the Harry Potter characters that we know and love should transform into new people without humor added to it. That way, you know it's non-canon, and you can feel free to laugh your asses off.

And that does it. If you have committed these fan fiction crimes, don't be ashamed. You know who you are. Help is out there, and in many places, too! You can go to school, or maybe take a little trip to that veil in the Department of Mysteries…

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!


	2. The Gryfinndor Common Room

The Great Harry Potter Parody

"D'you know what? I'm tired of getting me bloody head bitten off by some scar-headed bloke who can't even talk to me enough so that I _may _be a memorable supporting character," Seamus Finnegan complained. "I mean, he's bloody acting like it is that witches' time of the month!"

At that last comment, the whole of the Gryfinndor common room erupted into laughter (only because it was the best way for them all to get noticed collectively), with the exception of Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and his younger sister Ginny. It was now October at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was the characters' (the ones that matter) sixth year at the school, except for Ginny Weasley; she was in her fifth. They were all seated near the fire, taking time to pore over (I like that term, it's very…!) the obscene amount of homework each of their teachers had given them.

You see, their friend and fellow Gryfinndor Harry Potter was having a bad—well, life. He heard the rat bastard named Draco Malfoy make a nasty comment about his now-deceased godfather, Sirius Black. Sirius, during a duel with his piece-of-crap Death Eater cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, died the year before, and Harry was still grieving. He was prone to zone out, arbitrarily wipe his face with his sleeves while sitting by the lake, hex dust, and turn red with rage. At any rate, the comment upset Harry, and so he yelled incoherently to someone in Gryfinndor—who didn't deserve to be yelled incoherently at—and ran out of the common room like a Hufflepuff.

"How dare you, Seamus! Supporting character…please. As if you have any personality," exclaimed Hermione overdramatically, flailing her arms all the while. "Harry's been going through a lot, lately! I mean, he's still in mourning over his _godfather_," she yelled. "How can you be so insensitive? _Honestly_, he's been going through a lot lately! I'm sure it isn't easy being the Boy-Who-Lived," spat Hermione. "I mean…he's been going through a lot lately. Show some respect for the man we all admire—well, suffice to say, he's been going through _a lot_ lately," Hermione said finally.

"Hermione," Ginny whispered, "what's wrong? Why are you pulling a Harry?"

" 'Pulling a Harry'? What on earth is that?"

"You know, acting like a complete git when talking to someone. I wouldn't do that if I were you. They all did marginally or pretty well with DA last year," sighed Ginny, while looking over the grease-splotched potions homework, returned to her earlier today. At the bottom of the paper, it read:

_More grease in your life makes for better potions, and shall make you a more fluid person, Miss Weasley. Acceptable. _

_P.S. Try using copious amounts of grease to see results, to hell with 'sparingly'._

With a groan, she added, "You may get hexed, being that way."

"You're a right bitch, Hermione," said Seamus.

"Don't do that again," said Dean Thomas very menacingly, while Neville Longbottom cracked his knuckles in her face.

"Oh, calm down! I'm just trying to make myself the center of attention right now, that's all," said Hermione while winking knowingly at the author. "Harry's not here, and so, you know, I figured I could get some dialogue in—so that the readers read about me, and not him...you know how it is." The author, unafraid of a little self-insertion, rolled her eyes and grabbed her wand, ready to use it.

"_Please_, you do mean Sirius Black, the convicted murderer, right?" said Parvati Patil, eagerly trying to get a line in. She was very obvious. Honestly, they were ready to change the subject.

Hermione and Ginny both let out really loud, long sighs for dramatic effect. They clearly weren't going to get anywhere with these bumbling idiots, who were pretty much, storyline fillers. To release some tension, Hermione started grinding her teeth.

"Hey!" said Ron suddenly, while Spellotaping the soles of his shoes and the hem of his robes. See, in the _real_ Hogwarts, they wear _robes_, okay, like, all the time. They don't run around like Muggles. Pay attention, Cuaron.

"Remember when Madam Pomfrey shrunk your teeth two years ago? I mean, after _Vicky_ Krum, the world-famous Bulgarian seeker, took you to the Yule Ball? You became incredibly attractive after that, despite your bushy hair. Damn it, did I just say that out loud?" Ron asked, while turning crimson.

They all nodded while exploding in laughter, having a good laugh at their loser housemate's expense. And it looked as if Hermione was trying to compete with Ron to see who could turn even redder. Everyone at Hogwarts knew that Ron and Hermione went for each other, but either of them was much too lame to make the first move. In fact, it had Lavender Brown wondering how they got sorted into Gryffindor house in the first place. Her frame of thinking was, how brave could they have been, if they couldn't admit to wanting to do a little old thing like shagging rabbit-style? But little did Lavender know, everyone was wondering how _she_ got into Gryffindor, seeing as how she still hasn't done anything spectacular to prove her merit.

· She couldn't see thestrals; so therefore, she couldn't be a part of a major storyline. Who did she see die? How can we work her in?

· She hated Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid, their half-giant/alcoholic gamekeeper; so therefore, she couldn't be a part of a major storyline. Which creature could she show expertise in?

· She had a flawless forehead; so therefore, she couldn't be a part of a major storyline. That was reserved for everyone's favorite drama king.

· She enjoyed worthless classes such as Divination with half-assed, nearsighted teachers—and half-assed psychics only got bit parts.

You see? Those are the makings of a veerrrrrry unimportant character. She can never be special. _And_, she isn't a Leo? What the hell is she doing there?


End file.
